No one appreciates brutal honesty the way I do. Don’t ignore me or try to “act nice” because I feel like thats being way more cruel than just saying so.
Why i said this? I have depression. Family, guys/girls, meeting new people, decisions, problems, conflicts, new places, friends, bitches, backstabbers and etc. That's bullshit. How i wish i could escape from all this things. Im sick and tired.
You know what is the feeling to be fake in front of 1000 fake people.
You couldn't tell if your closest friends might being fake enough to accept you. Fake enough to be friend with you.
Or maybe your parents, who keep things that related with you to be hidden. That is so unfair. You have to know, that's the same feeling when you wanted to tell your so-called teenagers problems with your parents but you scared to tell them cause you afraid you might get scold or beat, or maybe grounded by them. Well, that's pathetic.
Oh, its like you have problems with your boy/girlfriend or scandal or crush or your ex and it have to be solve. But your alter ego were as high as Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre that the problems couldn't be solve, pity you.
You can't really have a happy life after you move in a new place where you are a totally stranger, you are a nobody instead of 'somebody'. Meeting new people, where you scared they wouldn't be the same with your old surrounding or they might backstab you or something.
Judgemental are cruel. You hate when people start to judge you and you have to fight for your right like "Let me win for at least one you mofo!".
I am surrounded by fake people. Yes I fit in your shoes. Been there ! This situation force me to fake myself.
Well, even my best friends fake their opinions, feelings and etc with me. My friends once have to act like she know nothing, and hide something from me which it was actually about me and I know she know something but then she fake her expression in front of me and yeah she should win Grammy's Award or maybe Anugerah Pelakon Wanita/Lelaki Terbaik or anything that sounds the same. But she's totally wrong cause I'd already know. And to help her, I myself being fake enough to pretend that i know nothing. Pathetic me. I'm faking myself to look strong. I've been trough heart break for so many times for those who know me. Until now, I fake my feelings which I don't really know how can i hide my feelings towards this one guy that I fall for. We once fell in love and suddenly everything seems to be wrong and we're apart. I'm currently waiting for him. This is my first time to not move on, I usually let time wash away my past. But this time I made up my mind that I will wait for him and I'm not going to give up. I fake my heartbroken feelings, being happy, laughing and smiling in front of him. Get around with people, and act like nothing ever happen between us and I'm doing fine without him. Well actually I'm not.
Family conflicts. I rebel. I am a teenager, you are teenager, and you rebel too ! How i wish my parents know how hard I am doing, learning things where I don't really want to. I know we need education, kids nowadays doesn't suit this kind of education. Where everyone study for the sake of exams. We want fun-learning-system. I didn't mean that I hate studies. If I could decide, I would like to do things that I really want, and not going to the institution to study things that base on my grades for every big exams I sit. Or maybe going to the institute where I have to follow the etiquette. Wearing baju kurung with light blue kain and tudung with badges on for secondary. We teenagers rebel, people said 'Rules were made to be broken', we break the rules. I want to work at places where I want to. You know what I mean? You wanted to do engineering but your parents want you to become a successful Doctor or Accountant wannabe. This mean I have to fake myself, pretend that I like what they really did for me to be successful. I wanna be myself. Where everyone accept me for who I am.
Have you ever surrounded by pretty and hot people? And you get insecure out of nowhere. Where you start to compare you colour tones, your face, your body shape with hers. And for guys who have six or eight or numerous packs and muscles, you'll go like "Oh shit, his hot!' and you start to look at yourself from head to toe. Get a mirror for yourself and start complaining that your ass were too small, your nose are imperfect, you need braces for your teeth and all of sudden your confidence level decline. Started being fake, wear inches of make up on your face, start to go to gym to get tons of packs on your body. This reflect ! I hate being around pretty people with flawless skin, bright skin and skinny body. There are so much to be compare :( How can I even be myself when I am too small to be compared. That sometimes I choose to avoid cameras and avoid being around people who have perfect flaw. Some said 'Semua masalah boleh diselesaikan, semua penyakit ada ubat, kecuali mati'. This is true, when I come on my nerve. Yes, we have surgery and specialist to fix our flaw, we have trainer and delicious healthy food to take to get healthy weight, we have adobe photoshop and tons of photo editor to edit our pictures to be good, we have counsellor to share our problems with and others that can solve our problems. Let others judge you, and be yourself, be who you wanna be. Be confident in everything you do.
I always look myself on a bad side. I always think why am I so stupid, why did I trouble my parents so much, why did i want to be someone else when I can be myself. There will be only you, one and only you in this world. Even if you have twins, you wont be sharing the same brain, unless if you're kind of 'biological twins' who share brains or any other part of the body. For me, I am Sharifah Anees, there will be no other Sharifah Anees, with the same dad, even if you have the same name with others still your fingerprint wont be the same. Stop being fake, just be yourself, accept your flaws, you don't have to be perfect cause God has create you that way. You don't have to complain or questions why did you ever exist in this way. You, yourself are pretty, you have good looks. You might be lack of something, but you must be good in doing other things that you're really good at. Pro and contra.
Fake identity and personality, depression and conflicts. That is normal for teenagers.
p/s: Birthday shout out to my buddy Amir Ariff and my primary friend Nur Amalia Irdina. Love ya guys to bits. xoxo